When Your Child’s Autism or ADHD Assessment Shines a Light on You

Alice Cantwell
Oct 1
3 min read

I would say that at least 80%, probably even higher, of the parents I speak to when assessing their children (and parents of adult children) for autism or ADHD, come to a striking realisation: they themselves may be neurodivergent.

For some, it’s something they’ve quietly known for years. For others, it’s a mic-drop moment of sudden recognition.

Neurodivergence Runs in Families

There isn’t one “autism gene” or single cause of ADHD. Instead, research shows that neurodivergence often runs in families. Many parents I meet are quick to notice characteristics in their children because they are familiar, sometimes uncomfortably so.

But here’s the thing: our parents and grandparents didn’t have the language, awareness or understanding that we do now. Autism and ADHD were far less recognised, particularly in girls and women. Many parents of today’s children grew up masking, struggling, or simply assuming their difficulties were “just them.”

It’s only through their child’s journey of assessment and support that parents suddenly see their own reflections staring back at them.

Why I Explore This With Parents

When I carry out assessments, yes, the focus is on the child. But I always explore the parent’s experiences too. Because here’s what I know:

A parent who begins to understand their own brain, who can identify their strengths, challenges and regulation needs, becomes a powerful role model.

Children don’t just learn from what we say; they learn from how we show up, how we manage stress, and how we accept ourselves. A parent working with their brain (instead of fighting against it) models self-compassion, self-awareness and resilience. That ripple effect is huge.

“My Child Comes First”

So many parents tell me, “My child is the priority. If I have any energy left, maybe I’ll look into this for myself.”

And I get it. I’m a mother myself. My little boy comes first in everything.

But I also know, through lived experience, that when I finally understood my own AuDHD brain, everything changed. I became a happier, more grounded parent. I stopped wasting energy trying to “fix” myself and started channelling that energy into working with my strengths. I no longer strive for neurotypical… which is something I have subconsciously always done. That shift doesn’t just benefit me, it benefits my son too.

Putting On Your Own Mask First

We’ve all heard the phrase: “Put your own oxygen mask on before helping your child.” It can feel counterintuitive, even wrong, because our instinct as parents is to give everything to our children first.

But the truth is this: if we are depleted, burnt out and running on empty, we can’t fully be there for our children. If we are mentally well, regulated and compassionate with ourselves, we are better equipped to advocate, support and nurture them.

Looking after yourself is not selfish, it’s part of looking after your child.

The UK Picture

UK research is increasingly recognising the role of genetics and family characteristics in neurodivergence. Studies suggest that if a child is autistic, it’s common to find autistic characteristics in parents, siblings or extended family. ADHD, too, has a strong hereditary component. And no, don’t worry, taking paracetamol during pregnancy nor vaccinating your children will ‘cause’ autism. There is no cause. It’s a brain type 🧠

But beyond the science, there’s a social truth: late-identified parents are often the first generation to have the words, knowledge and validation to understand what’s been there all along. And that understanding is powerful.

Final Thoughts

If you’re a parent and this resonates, please know: there is no right or wrong way to navigate this. Whether you choose to seek your own assessment, read and learn informally or simply hold that gentle awareness of yourself, it’s your decision.

What matters is that you and your family find the path that feels right for you. 🩷✨